"His Heart Safely Trusts Her..."

"The heart of her husband safely trusts in her; so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life" (Proverbs 31:11-12).

No other verse pierces my heart more to convict me when I’ve hurt my husband. Recently,  I’ve been doing a “30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge.” Being the newly married, naïve wife that I admit that I am with so very much to learn in the ways of being a godly woman my first thoughts were, “Great! As my husband’s helper this will be something practical for me to do to help my husband…help my husband improve, that is.” Not a chance. What I didn’t realize was how much God would use this challenge to refine my own selfish heart.

Let me give you a few scenarios where I confess I failed miserably as a wife. As much as I want to forget how I acted, I’m convinced the Lord brings them to mind when my flesh wants to rebel so I remember how ugly sin looks on us. Or, to put it in the way my husband lovingly confronts me, “It’s not attractive, sweetheart.” It seems like I am daily being changed by my husband's love and forgiveness. When I said "I Do" to this man, I never knew how much the Lord would use both him and our marriage to make me more like Christ.

Scenario #1: We had just moved into our apartment – our first home together! The dead bolt was not working properly so Nate tried to fix it. We were going out that night for dinner, and I was getting hungry. In fact, I was being dramatic and complained of starving because he was taking so long fixing the lock. One thing led to another, and I ended up eating without him, pouting in the bedroom, feeling so misunderstood.

What I should have done? I should have affirmed my husband to let him know that I believed he could fix the dead bolt and that I appreciated him taking care of the house. He would be the first one to admit that he is not a handyman, but as his wife I should have praised his efforts and willingness rather than flippantly tossing them aside. Nate later confessed to me that I hurt him. It was his first “guy project” he could try to fix in our first home together, and I did nothing but bring discouragement. “The heart of her husband safely trusts in her.” I’m afraid my husband’s heart was not able to trust in his new wife for support and encouragement at that moment. And if I can’t give my husband my confidence in the little things such as fixing a broken lock, he won’t feel affirmed in the big things when even more is at stake.

Lesson Learned: A wife must be her husband’s biggest cheerleader – even in the little things.

Scenario #2: This is even more humbling for me to admit, but it was such a crucial moment for me as a wife. Being from the backwoods, I was not adjusting well to driving in the city and I had gone the wrong way on too many one-way streets. Nate planned for us to go out driving to help me get my bearings. Yadda yadda yadda, I misunderstood his directions, I was stressed out, we were both tense, and Nate was concerned for our safety because of my driving. I pulled the car over and got out of the driver’s seat. Very calmly my husband asked me to get back in the car. I shut the door and told him “No.” He asked again and I told him “No” again. Recognizing my pride and that no one but God could  deal with me, Nate silently switched seats and drove us home. “The heart of her husband safely trusts in her.” I know my husband’s heart did not trust  me to know that he had only my good in mind. I made him feel threatened. After confessing to God and to Nate, I did not want to sin against my husband in this way again.

Sometimes I feel like having a husband makes my flesh rebel more than ever before. It makes me wonder if I was ever in true submission to Christ with the way I act and how foreign of a concept submission seems to me...even to so loving a husband as Nate.  

Lesson Learned: A wife must LEARN to submit to her husband  “as unto the Lord.” Remembering it is “as unto the Lord” helps you respond in obedience even when you feel like your husband is making insensitive demands. If your husband is in the wrong, it is not your job to defy him. In fact I’m convinced that your submission shows him his sin more readily than your stubbornness would.

Scenario #3: Nate had to work late so I wanted to surprise him with Chick-Fil-A when he came home. Every night when he comes home from work or class Nate knocks on the sliding glass door and taps on the window, and I know it’s him. I ran to the door to greet him – eager to have him close his eyes so I could walk him into the kitchen for his surprise and he would pick me up with a big hug, the birds outside our window would chirp, everything would go into slow motion, a sunbeam would shine down on us and…it didn’t go according to plan. On his way home Nate had picked up the mail where we received an unexpected bill from my doctor’s office. He was concerned and wondered if I knew anything about it all while I was trying to close his eyes so he wouldn’t see what was in the kitchen. My excitement was gone and once he got into the kitchen he couldn’t have felt worse. I was back on the couch reading feeling hurt, and Nate walks out the door. Before I try to figure out what he’s doing, I hear a knock on the sliding glass door and a tap on the window…

I had a choice: let my husband stand out there and know I am still hurt or open the door in forgiveness and enjoy what we have left of the evening. “The heart of her husband safely trusts in her.” A husband’s heart should trust that his wife keeps no record of wrong and that her love is not rude or resentful…

I open the door and we start the night over again…

A wife is used in her husband’s life to be an influence – not a controlling power – for great expeditions with a great man of faith. Words and actions either inspire courage or make a husband passive. I’ve asked myself recently, “Do I make it easy for my husband to fulfill his God-given role as the spiritual leader? Here’s one for ya – sure it’s super easy to submit when your husband says, “I feel the Lord’s leading to seminary. Pack up your things, honey, we’re moving to Dallas!” But how about in the little things like when he’s trying to find a parking space and I question “Why didn’t you park over there?” That intimidating “why?” question does not nurture his strength and leadership. Or if he helps clean the kitchen and he doesn’t necessarily do it the way you would, I shouldn’t offer my advice and make him feel like his way isn’t good enough. If he doesn’t feel like you trust him to find a simple parking spot or to mop the floor, what would make him feel confidence in your love and support for life’s more crucial decisions? We all want our man to lead us, then why do we keep usurping his God-given role?

I am still a newbie at wifehood, but by God’s grace I am wanting to purposefully build a foundation that leaves my husband feeling encouraged, unconditionally trusted, adored, respected, and courageous enough to lead.