In one of his sermons Charles Spurgeon described a happy marriage and made this tribute to his wife: "She delights in her husband, in his person, his character, his affection. To her he is not only the chief and foremost of mankind, but in her eyes he is all in all. Her heart's love belongs to him and to him only. He is her little world, her paradise, her choice treasure. She is glad to sink her individuality in him. She seeks no renown for herself. his honor is reflected upon her and she rejoices in it. She will defend his name with her dying breath. Safe enough is he where she can speak for him. His smiling gratitude is all the reward she seeks, even in her dress she thinks of him and considers nothing beautiful which is distasteful to him. He has many objects in life, some of which she does not quite understand. But she believes them all and anything she can do to promote them she delights to perform. Such a wife as a true spouse realizes the model marriage relation and sets forth what our oneness with the Lord ought to be."
I can't read one sentence without thinking 1). I could never live up to her example and 2). I hope my husband doesn't get any ideas. But seriously, I'm sure Mrs. Spurgeon had her flaws and no doubt Mr. Spurgeon was intimately acquainted with them all. Based on his words of her, I can only imagine the sense of responsibility she felt and the seriousness in which she approached her role as a wife. It was even said of her that on the way to the church the morning of their wedding, she was not interested in being admired for how beautiful she looked in her gown, but on wanting everyone to know what a wonderful bridegroom awaited her at the altar. This woman was all about her man!
Happy woman and happy man! However, their view on marriage may seem quaint and strange in a world where most women are encouraged to find and have an identity outside of the home. Even as I typed that passage from Spurgeon's sermon, there is a part of me that wants to rebel and say, "Surely not." But look how beautifully Jesus shined in their marriage as they lavished such love on each other. Yes, people make disparaging remarks when the "S" word is mentioned. I swear some people think I am losing my individuality and am in servitude to my husband. Words spoken in my defense tend to fall on deaf ears. However, actions speak louder than words. Let your happiness in your marriage be the proof and do the talking that you are getting it right in a backwards world.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Back to School
Monday's the day I've been looking forward to for months! Back to teaching! It's been a long wait, but it's going to be so worth it. I still get uneasy when I think about how nervous I was for my interview with the Headmaster, the Head of Lower School, and the Chair of History/English present. I couldn't stop praying the whole way there. I'm not quite sure I didn't just repeat the same thing over and over again in my prayer.
A few weeks later they observed me teach a lesson on Act V of Julius Caesar and how to diagram adverbial clauses. When I left that day I was so discouraged because I hadn't received any feedback. Did I do a good job? Did I say something stupid? Was I clear enough? Did I not ask questions? My poor husband when he came home. He had his work cut out for him to cheer Ms. Mopey. I confess I wasn't thinking on things that were true after he pointed me to read Philippians 4.
A few weeks later they observed me teach a lesson on Act V of Julius Caesar and how to diagram adverbial clauses. When I left that day I was so discouraged because I hadn't received any feedback. Did I do a good job? Did I say something stupid? Was I clear enough? Did I not ask questions? My poor husband when he came home. He had his work cut out for him to cheer Ms. Mopey. I confess I wasn't thinking on things that were true after he pointed me to read Philippians 4.
Well, I got a call the next day. We were sitting on the bed and my face looked happy, sad, and unsure all at the same time. Nate couldn't read it, and if you could only have seen him while I was on the phone. His face just begging for an answer. The reason for my happy face: “We were very impressed by what we saw.” The reason for my sad face: “We've decided not to hire a new class five teacher” (that was the position I was expecting). The reason for my unsure face: “But, a fourth grade position will be opening up in a few months.” I just wanted to hear the words that they were going to hire me when she said, “We'd like you to come teach at Providence for class four.” I was ready to pay THEM to allow me to teach there! Nate and I sat down to thank God completely humbled and overwhelmed and knock-your-socks-off excited for how the Lord provided this job for which we had been so earnestly praying. What a lesson on dependency He taught us early in marriage. He is so very good!
Teaching is really very interesting work. It certainly isn't monotonous as something funny is almost sure to happen every day, and children say the most amusing things. On days when I went in to substitute I'd always think, “I can't believe I'll get to do this every day!” I am certainly anxious to have my own classroom again.
My students made some “Welcome to Providence!” cards. Let's just hope I live up to their high expectations. They used a lot of superlatives!
“Your (we'll have to work on that contraction) the best sub/other teacher in the whole wide world!”
“I'm so glad your (again...the contraction) are (oops! Homonyms are on the list too) new teacher! I hoped it would be you!”
“I'm so glad you are my teacher! We played hangman and it said: 'At the end of this month, Mrs. McKanna will become the teacher!' And when the class got it I screemed! (it's phonetic). I was (and am) so excited! I'm so happy! I told my whole family! I love you!”
“Dear Mrs. McKanna, you will be an awsome (still leaning silent e's) teacher and I know it! Yours truly.”
Melt my heart!
Being unemployed these six months has been such a blessing to our marriage. Of course there were days when I felt especially lonely, stir crazy, restless, bored, irritated, frustrated etc. etc, and there were days that I could have done without, and days that could have been spent more profitably than they were, but I can say that I am very thankful for this time at home at the start of our marriage. What a gift it has been! The Lord has certainly given me a love for staying home, and I'm so very thankful for my husband who provides so well for us, and for our God who has met all our needs minus none.
For those of you asking, here's some pictures!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
random thoughts as thought on my couch
- I really need to take down my Christmas tree. It's way past being OK.
- Nate and I have free tickets to the symphony tonight! Brahms' Piano Concerto #2.
- I really wish we could get some snow here in Dallas. I miss it. Terribly.
- I just finished reading the part where Anne and Gil get married. I LOVE children's books! Now that I teach fourth grade I like not having to feel like I need an excuse to read them.
- I'm at the point in my life where 90% of my friends are pregnant. Kinda weird. Wasn't it just last week when we were all being ridiculously immature in the dorms, when curfew was at 10:30 (yes, we had curfew in college), and we'd go sledding down hills on lunch trays and in garbage bags without a care in the world besides Dr. Reiter's Pauline exams? Life, slow down!
"Seek Exclamation Point!"
"Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!" I Chronicles 16:11.
Seek, inquire after, beg, pursue, desire, plead, delve, explore. Seek. It's not seek suggestion, if you want to, here's a helpful hint take it or leave it. Rather, it's seek command exclamation point! Why do we do everything BUT seek His presence where there is drinking of joy everlasting, filling of God Himself in our hearts, and freeing from every unholy thing?!
"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good!" (Psalm 34:8).
Just as we cannot fully taste a main dish with a little nibble, so too we cannot fully taste the Lord's goodness when we're just “snacking” on His Word to tide us over. I remember watching a little girl eat a cookie, and after nibbling her entire way around the edge, she was done. I think we do the same thing with our relationship with God. We nibble around the edges of a familiar acquaintance, sample a bite here and there, and sip of His presence just enough to wash it down.
What is robbing us of our appetite for Him? We are eating like birds and picking at the things of the Lord like we don't like something when we should be feasting like kings! I wish we didn't so easily settle for less than what is to be found in His presence. May the Lord increase our appetites for Him, and may we eagerly, intentionally, and consciously pursue our God continually.
Monday, January 24, 2011
I won't be giving my diamond ring to HIM
1). When talking about Uranus as the "sleepy planet with rings" one of my students raised his hand and said, "It's like a ball lying down with a tutu." Whatever works I guess!
2). Two excitable blonde haired darlings ran up to me during play time asking if I knew what planet we were all on. (Obviously they were still fascinated with the way cool science lesson we just had earlier.) "Last time I checked we were on Earth." "No we're not! A___ and I just discovered a new planet! Well, first we went to Neptune, but we found another blue planet and it rains diamonds, and we made diamond engagement rings and we're going to find boys to give them to us!" They clap their hands in sheer delight.
3). At lunch one of my students was eating dehydrated kale. After I inquired about it he informed me, "Yeah, and the enzymes aren't dead in it either!"
4). Boy: "Mrs. McKanna, A___ is bothering me. She's thinking out loud again." (Proceeds to demonstrate what it looks and sounds like to think out loud while working on a math problem. Just so you know it involves rolling your eyes in the back of your head and sticking your tongue out.)
Me: "Did you ask her if she could be a little quieter?"
Boy: "No."
Me: "Sometimes people don't know when they're doing something. I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you asked her."
*Takes his seat. Little do I know how soon those words are going to be the death of me.
Girl (who was bothering boy): "Mrs. McKanna, am I hurting H___'s feelings?"
Me: "He was just having a hard time concentrating. Do you think you can try to keep your thoughts from being spoken while he's working?"
Girl: "Yes, ma'am."
*Takes her seat. 30 seconds go by and A____ comes up to my desk...again.
Girl: "Mrs. McKanna, H_____ is making faces at me now."
*This is when I realize I just need to talk to the both of them together.
Me: "H____, are you making faces?"
Boy: "Sometimes people don't know when they're doing something."
How dare he use my words against me! What followed was a teachable moment after he admitted he did, in fact, know full well what he was doing.
2). Two excitable blonde haired darlings ran up to me during play time asking if I knew what planet we were all on. (Obviously they were still fascinated with the way cool science lesson we just had earlier.) "Last time I checked we were on Earth." "No we're not! A___ and I just discovered a new planet! Well, first we went to Neptune, but we found another blue planet and it rains diamonds, and we made diamond engagement rings and we're going to find boys to give them to us!" They clap their hands in sheer delight.
3). At lunch one of my students was eating dehydrated kale. After I inquired about it he informed me, "Yeah, and the enzymes aren't dead in it either!"
4). Boy: "Mrs. McKanna, A___ is bothering me. She's thinking out loud again." (Proceeds to demonstrate what it looks and sounds like to think out loud while working on a math problem. Just so you know it involves rolling your eyes in the back of your head and sticking your tongue out.)
Me: "Did you ask her if she could be a little quieter?"
Boy: "No."
Me: "Sometimes people don't know when they're doing something. I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you asked her."
*Takes his seat. Little do I know how soon those words are going to be the death of me.
Girl (who was bothering boy): "Mrs. McKanna, am I hurting H___'s feelings?"
Me: "He was just having a hard time concentrating. Do you think you can try to keep your thoughts from being spoken while he's working?"
Girl: "Yes, ma'am."
*Takes her seat. 30 seconds go by and A____ comes up to my desk...again.
Girl: "Mrs. McKanna, H_____ is making faces at me now."
*This is when I realize I just need to talk to the both of them together.
Me: "H____, are you making faces?"
Boy: "Sometimes people don't know when they're doing something."
How dare he use my words against me! What followed was a teachable moment after he admitted he did, in fact, know full well what he was doing.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
I looked out my frosted window one wintry morning
And went outside to see several silvery threaded snowflakes
Graced in satin slippers fall noiselessly
On a heart blacker than soot.
It’s proclaimed scarlet sins can be scoured whiter
Than the purest snow
Than the brightest wool.
“Whosoever will may come.”
So I snapped a self-portrait, crimson and all
And held it up to the sky.
I COME.
And went outside to see several silvery threaded snowflakes
Graced in satin slippers fall noiselessly
On a heart blacker than soot.
It’s proclaimed scarlet sins can be scoured whiter
Than the purest snow
Than the brightest wool.
“Whosoever will may come.”
So I snapped a self-portrait, crimson and all
And held it up to the sky.
I COME.
"His Heart Safely Trusts Her..."
"The heart of her husband safely trusts in her; so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life" (Proverbs 31:11-12).
No other verse pierces my heart more to convict me when I’ve hurt my husband. Recently, I’ve been doing a “30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge.” Being the newly married, naïve wife that I admit that I am with so very much to learn in the ways of being a godly woman my first thoughts were, “Great! As my husband’s helper this will be something practical for me to do to help my husband…help my husband improve, that is.” Not a chance. What I didn’t realize was how much God would use this challenge to refine my own selfish heart.
Let me give you a few scenarios where I confess I failed miserably as a wife. As much as I want to forget how I acted, I’m convinced the Lord brings them to mind when my flesh wants to rebel so I remember how ugly sin looks on us. Or, to put it in the way my husband lovingly confronts me, “It’s not attractive, sweetheart.” It seems like I am daily being changed by my husband's love and forgiveness. When I said "I Do" to this man, I never knew how much the Lord would use both him and our marriage to make me more like Christ.
Scenario #1: We had just moved into our apartment – our first home together! The dead bolt was not working properly so Nate tried to fix it. We were going out that night for dinner, and I was getting hungry. In fact, I was being dramatic and complained of starving because he was taking so long fixing the lock. One thing led to another, and I ended up eating without him, pouting in the bedroom, feeling so misunderstood.
What I should have done? I should have affirmed my husband to let him know that I believed he could fix the dead bolt and that I appreciated him taking care of the house. He would be the first one to admit that he is not a handyman, but as his wife I should have praised his efforts and willingness rather than flippantly tossing them aside. Nate later confessed to me that I hurt him. It was his first “guy project” he could try to fix in our first home together, and I did nothing but bring discouragement. “The heart of her husband safely trusts in her.” I’m afraid my husband’s heart was not able to trust in his new wife for support and encouragement at that moment. And if I can’t give my husband my confidence in the little things such as fixing a broken lock, he won’t feel affirmed in the big things when even more is at stake.
Lesson Learned: A wife must be her husband’s biggest cheerleader – even in the little things.
Scenario #2: This is even more humbling for me to admit, but it was such a crucial moment for me as a wife. Being from the backwoods, I was not adjusting well to driving in the city and I had gone the wrong way on too many one-way streets. Nate planned for us to go out driving to help me get my bearings. Yadda yadda yadda, I misunderstood his directions, I was stressed out, we were both tense, and Nate was concerned for our safety because of my driving. I pulled the car over and got out of the driver’s seat. Very calmly my husband asked me to get back in the car. I shut the door and told him “No.” He asked again and I told him “No” again. Recognizing my pride and that no one but God could deal with me, Nate silently switched seats and drove us home. “The heart of her husband safely trusts in her.” I know my husband’s heart did not trust me to know that he had only my good in mind. I made him feel threatened. After confessing to God and to Nate, I did not want to sin against my husband in this way again.
Sometimes I feel like having a husband makes my flesh rebel more than ever before. It makes me wonder if I was ever in true submission to Christ with the way I act and how foreign of a concept submission seems to me...even to so loving a husband as Nate.
Lesson Learned: A wife must LEARN to submit to her husband “as unto the Lord.” Remembering it is “as unto the Lord” helps you respond in obedience even when you feel like your husband is making insensitive demands. If your husband is in the wrong, it is not your job to defy him. In fact I’m convinced that your submission shows him his sin more readily than your stubbornness would.
Scenario #3: Nate had to work late so I wanted to surprise him with Chick-Fil-A when he came home. Every night when he comes home from work or class Nate knocks on the sliding glass door and taps on the window, and I know it’s him. I ran to the door to greet him – eager to have him close his eyes so I could walk him into the kitchen for his surprise and he would pick me up with a big hug, the birds outside our window would chirp, everything would go into slow motion, a sunbeam would shine down on us and…it didn’t go according to plan. On his way home Nate had picked up the mail where we received an unexpected bill from my doctor’s office. He was concerned and wondered if I knew anything about it all while I was trying to close his eyes so he wouldn’t see what was in the kitchen. My excitement was gone and once he got into the kitchen he couldn’t have felt worse. I was back on the couch reading feeling hurt, and Nate walks out the door. Before I try to figure out what he’s doing, I hear a knock on the sliding glass door and a tap on the window…
I had a choice: let my husband stand out there and know I am still hurt or open the door in forgiveness and enjoy what we have left of the evening. “The heart of her husband safely trusts in her.” A husband’s heart should trust that his wife keeps no record of wrong and that her love is not rude or resentful…
I open the door and we start the night over again…
A wife is used in her husband’s life to be an influence – not a controlling power – for great expeditions with a great man of faith. Words and actions either inspire courage or make a husband passive. I’ve asked myself recently, “Do I make it easy for my husband to fulfill his God-given role as the spiritual leader? Here’s one for ya – sure it’s super easy to submit when your husband says, “I feel the Lord’s leading to seminary. Pack up your things, honey, we’re moving to Dallas!” But how about in the little things like when he’s trying to find a parking space and I question “Why didn’t you park over there?” That intimidating “why?” question does not nurture his strength and leadership. Or if he helps clean the kitchen and he doesn’t necessarily do it the way you would, I shouldn’t offer my advice and make him feel like his way isn’t good enough. If he doesn’t feel like you trust him to find a simple parking spot or to mop the floor, what would make him feel confidence in your love and support for life’s more crucial decisions? We all want our man to lead us, then why do we keep usurping his God-given role?
I am still a newbie at wifehood, but by God’s grace I am wanting to purposefully build a foundation that leaves my husband feeling encouraged, unconditionally trusted, adored, respected, and courageous enough to lead.
No other verse pierces my heart more to convict me when I’ve hurt my husband. Recently, I’ve been doing a “30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge.” Being the newly married, naïve wife that I admit that I am with so very much to learn in the ways of being a godly woman my first thoughts were, “Great! As my husband’s helper this will be something practical for me to do to help my husband…help my husband improve, that is.” Not a chance. What I didn’t realize was how much God would use this challenge to refine my own selfish heart.
Let me give you a few scenarios where I confess I failed miserably as a wife. As much as I want to forget how I acted, I’m convinced the Lord brings them to mind when my flesh wants to rebel so I remember how ugly sin looks on us. Or, to put it in the way my husband lovingly confronts me, “It’s not attractive, sweetheart.” It seems like I am daily being changed by my husband's love and forgiveness. When I said "I Do" to this man, I never knew how much the Lord would use both him and our marriage to make me more like Christ.
Scenario #1: We had just moved into our apartment – our first home together! The dead bolt was not working properly so Nate tried to fix it. We were going out that night for dinner, and I was getting hungry. In fact, I was being dramatic and complained of starving because he was taking so long fixing the lock. One thing led to another, and I ended up eating without him, pouting in the bedroom, feeling so misunderstood.
What I should have done? I should have affirmed my husband to let him know that I believed he could fix the dead bolt and that I appreciated him taking care of the house. He would be the first one to admit that he is not a handyman, but as his wife I should have praised his efforts and willingness rather than flippantly tossing them aside. Nate later confessed to me that I hurt him. It was his first “guy project” he could try to fix in our first home together, and I did nothing but bring discouragement. “The heart of her husband safely trusts in her.” I’m afraid my husband’s heart was not able to trust in his new wife for support and encouragement at that moment. And if I can’t give my husband my confidence in the little things such as fixing a broken lock, he won’t feel affirmed in the big things when even more is at stake.
Lesson Learned: A wife must be her husband’s biggest cheerleader – even in the little things.
Scenario #2: This is even more humbling for me to admit, but it was such a crucial moment for me as a wife. Being from the backwoods, I was not adjusting well to driving in the city and I had gone the wrong way on too many one-way streets. Nate planned for us to go out driving to help me get my bearings. Yadda yadda yadda, I misunderstood his directions, I was stressed out, we were both tense, and Nate was concerned for our safety because of my driving. I pulled the car over and got out of the driver’s seat. Very calmly my husband asked me to get back in the car. I shut the door and told him “No.” He asked again and I told him “No” again. Recognizing my pride and that no one but God could deal with me, Nate silently switched seats and drove us home. “The heart of her husband safely trusts in her.” I know my husband’s heart did not trust me to know that he had only my good in mind. I made him feel threatened. After confessing to God and to Nate, I did not want to sin against my husband in this way again.
Sometimes I feel like having a husband makes my flesh rebel more than ever before. It makes me wonder if I was ever in true submission to Christ with the way I act and how foreign of a concept submission seems to me...even to so loving a husband as Nate.
Lesson Learned: A wife must LEARN to submit to her husband “as unto the Lord.” Remembering it is “as unto the Lord” helps you respond in obedience even when you feel like your husband is making insensitive demands. If your husband is in the wrong, it is not your job to defy him. In fact I’m convinced that your submission shows him his sin more readily than your stubbornness would.
Scenario #3: Nate had to work late so I wanted to surprise him with Chick-Fil-A when he came home. Every night when he comes home from work or class Nate knocks on the sliding glass door and taps on the window, and I know it’s him. I ran to the door to greet him – eager to have him close his eyes so I could walk him into the kitchen for his surprise and he would pick me up with a big hug, the birds outside our window would chirp, everything would go into slow motion, a sunbeam would shine down on us and…it didn’t go according to plan. On his way home Nate had picked up the mail where we received an unexpected bill from my doctor’s office. He was concerned and wondered if I knew anything about it all while I was trying to close his eyes so he wouldn’t see what was in the kitchen. My excitement was gone and once he got into the kitchen he couldn’t have felt worse. I was back on the couch reading feeling hurt, and Nate walks out the door. Before I try to figure out what he’s doing, I hear a knock on the sliding glass door and a tap on the window…
I had a choice: let my husband stand out there and know I am still hurt or open the door in forgiveness and enjoy what we have left of the evening. “The heart of her husband safely trusts in her.” A husband’s heart should trust that his wife keeps no record of wrong and that her love is not rude or resentful…
I open the door and we start the night over again…
A wife is used in her husband’s life to be an influence – not a controlling power – for great expeditions with a great man of faith. Words and actions either inspire courage or make a husband passive. I’ve asked myself recently, “Do I make it easy for my husband to fulfill his God-given role as the spiritual leader? Here’s one for ya – sure it’s super easy to submit when your husband says, “I feel the Lord’s leading to seminary. Pack up your things, honey, we’re moving to Dallas!” But how about in the little things like when he’s trying to find a parking space and I question “Why didn’t you park over there?” That intimidating “why?” question does not nurture his strength and leadership. Or if he helps clean the kitchen and he doesn’t necessarily do it the way you would, I shouldn’t offer my advice and make him feel like his way isn’t good enough. If he doesn’t feel like you trust him to find a simple parking spot or to mop the floor, what would make him feel confidence in your love and support for life’s more crucial decisions? We all want our man to lead us, then why do we keep usurping his God-given role?
I am still a newbie at wifehood, but by God’s grace I am wanting to purposefully build a foundation that leaves my husband feeling encouraged, unconditionally trusted, adored, respected, and courageous enough to lead.
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